What’s the worst sexy Halloween costume this year?

I love perusing the sexy Halloween costumes every year. Each year I think we’ve reached the apex of what can be made sexy, and every subsequent year the costume designers find a way to expand the sexy market. 

Doing this left me with one question:

What’s the worst sexy Halloween costume this year?

In order to answer this question, I made a bracket tournament for sexy costumes and forced everyone I know to vote. Truly unscientific, truly silly. 

To skip all my nonsense and see the results, click here

How were the costumes selected?

After searching through this year’s inventory of sexy costumes, I decided on 4 groups: 

• ANIMALS: Because you can be wild, but sexy
• POP CULTURE: Because you can be ‘with it’, but sexy
• FOOD: Because you can be nutrition, but sexy
• POLITICAL: Because you can be informed, but sexy

Then based purely on my own opinion, I select the 4 worst costumes in each group. My definition of worst is what costume I would be most unsettled by if someone walked in wearing it, while at a party littered with sexy kittens and brewing with sexy witches. 

I also ranked each costume in their categories. 1st is the most worst, 4th is the least worst. 

What costumes were selected and what was their group ranking?

ANIMALS

Ranked #1: Sexy Dorothy Bunny

At first, it’s not that bad. But it won its number one ranking because of its confusing design. It’s like a small child gave their parents a list of costumes demands, only that child is 23 and is looking to get some. 

Here’s how I like to imagine this costume came to be:

Bobby was on the sexy costume design team and had been slaving away on his design concept, sexy picnic. He knew it was a game-changer for the sexy costume market. It combined two sexy costume subjects he always thought were underrepresented in the market, sexy inanimate objects and sexy events. Finally, he would be able to put his stamp on the sexy costume industry. Finally, he’d have something to show-up his brother, Robert, during Thanksgiving dinner. Sure Robert had that successful Hyundai dealership and a loving wife, but he would never have a lasting impact on a major costume industry, like Bobby would have with sexy picnic.

As Bobby planned how he’d strategically bring up his crowning achievement as his family scarfed down green bean casserole, his manager Susan approached his cubicle. She had devastating news. Sexy picnic was out. It wasn’t testing well in the sexy focus group. But before Bobby could wallow, Susan gave him another blow. Sexy picnic wasn’t going to production, but they had a find a way to still use the raw materials. Defeated Bobby thought to himself, “What can I do with this blue checked fabric, wicker basket, and black felt?” He was going to use the black felt to make little ants the wearer of sexy picnic could strategically velcro to themselves. He knew it would have been a hit. 

Then Bobby had an epiphany, Sexy Dorothy. He searched the sexy costume archive and sunk when he found it was already a costume in production. 

Fueled on espresso and running on creative fumes, Bobby created a pattern for Sexy Dorothy Bunny. It was cobbled together phoenix that rose from the ashes of sexy picnic. 

Don’t worry. I didn’t write an elaborate origin story for each costume, just this one. 

Ranked #2: Sexy Man Eating Shark

Sharks are arguably a sexy animal as evident by the 90s animated series, Street Sharks. There’s a known correlation between fear and sexual arousal too. So on its face, this costume isn’t THAT horrible idea. 

But then you take a look at the costume design and it instantly seems like a horrible idea. The blood placement, the blood color, the confusion if the woman is the shark or the human being eaten. All of it makes it the second-worst for the animals. 

Ranked #3: Sexy Panda

The general shape of a panda isn’t sexy. They’re so unsexy even pandas don’t want to bang other pandas. 

Next, they are constantly on the endangered species list (now listed as vulnerable), which makes their transition to the land of the sexy as precarious as their survival. 

Ranked #4: Sexy Llama 

Sexy Llama is a lot like Sexy Panda. Llamas are not inherently sexy. But what makes llamas worst than pandas is the fact that they’re not distinctly recognizable. If you showed me 10 amateur drawings of llamas, I’d guess 5 were donkeys with genetic disorders, 4 were boring pinatas and 1 was a llama, once my brain finally recalls the word llama. Imagine being dressed up as a sexy animal, and having to constantly correct people about your costumes.

FOOD

Ranked #1: Sexy Tater Tots

This costume is ranked the 1st worst for two reasons. First tater tots are not sexy. They’re like if someone took french fries, chewed them up, and tried to feed them to you baby bird style. Second, the costume has a dad-level pun on them of “Tater Thots.” It’s all too greatly terrible to not be ranked first. 

Ranked #2: Sexy White Claw

Sparkling water with alcohol isn’t that sexy, no matter how much your frat brother Ryan tells you it is. But a great business plan thanks to our dumb alcohol taxing policies. But also it’s a really of the moment costume making it the second-worst costume in the food group. 

Ranked #3: Sexy Taco

This costume isn’t good, but it rides to the third-place spot thanks to a certain part of the female anatomy also called a taco sometimes. Also, the tiny sombrero is the worst part of this costume. 

Ranked #4: Sexy Plant-Based Burger

Like the Sexy White Claw costume, this is a very of the moment costume. But the execution of it is bad in a bad, bad way — with that little sign just attached to the costume. And not in a good-bad way, which is what this contest is really about, so it finds itself in the ranked fourth.

POP CULTURE

Ranked #1: Sexy Mr. Rogers

This was an obvious costume to rank number 1. It’s been one of the most publicized bad sexy costumes this Halloween season. 

What makes it so the best of the worst to me is it is well executed and a subject that should never made sexy. Mr Rogers is so pure and sweet it just seems wrong to make him sexy, no matter how many people have a deep love for Tom Hanks. 

Ranked #2: Sexy Bob Ross

Sexy Bob Ross is in a very similar camp as Sexy Mr. Rodgers, but it’s ranked one below because Bob Ross was for adults.  Sexy happy little second-ranked tree. 

Ranked #3: Sexy Woody from Toy Story

Although this costume is also for kids it can easily pass for simply a sex cowboy/girl. To infinity and… third rank. 

Ranked #4: Sexy Pikachu

Sexy Pikachu was selected because it always makes me giggle to think that the people that wear this costume can only communicate by saying their names in different tones. However, Pikachu has already branched into more adult demographics thanks to Detective Pikachu, make it as defeated in group rankings as Team Rocket.

POLITICAL

Ranked #1: Sexy Republican Party

One strange thing I notice when going through the sexy costumes, they were mainly republican leaning. Sexy Republican Party got the top slot because it’s a pretty hard thing to make sexy, but also legitimately looks like something Trump would force contestants in the Miss USA pageant to wear as doing a Rockettes-styled dance to God Bless America. 

Ranked #2: Sexy Fake News

This was the hardest grouping to rank because Sexy Fake News and Sexy Tariffs are almost identical costumes. So I simply decided that Fake News was the worst because it was the dumbest and that opinion is real news.

Ranked #3: Sexy Tariff

Again, it’s tough to rank Sexy Fake News and Sexy Tariff against each other, so by default, this got the third-ranking. 

Ranked #4: Sexy Marijuana

Sexy Marijuana isn’t a great costume and it isn’t a terrible costume, so it rolled its way to the un-high rank of 4th. 

What were the outcomes of each round?

ROUND 1

ANIMALS

FOOD

POP CULTURE

POLITICAL

ROUND 2

ROUND 3

FINAL 

• WINNER IS Sexy Mr. Rogers with 64.3% of the vote.
• Sexy Tater Tots won second place with 35.7% of the vote.